‘No,’ she answered. I then said,

‘Is that your final answer?’

She didn’teven look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

Andthat’s when the fight started…

I asked her, “Do you know him?”

“Yes”, she sighed, ”He’s my old boyfriend… I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?”

1. Don’t tell anyone, or, you’ll suddenly find everyone from  long lost relatives to people you went to kindegarten with on your doorstep with their hands out.

2. Don’t spend any of it for at least three months. I couldn’t quite understand this part as the temptation to spend at least a small portion of it would be too tempting.

3. Get fired form your job. If you resign, people will want to know why, whereas if you’re fired –  and do it properly –  no one will ever want to speak to you again!

4. Move town and change your name.

All sound advise that I will be putting into practice after this weekends draw!!!

The other thing that I mused over was how people who come into significant amounts of money say “It’ll never change me”. Of course it would change you; it may not buy you happiness but will pay for a team of researchers to look into the problem for you while you sun yourself on your own private island.

My final thought is; why has there never been a headline that reads, “Psychic wins lottery”?

The topic of conversation last night was, (not selected by me) was, “who would you turn gay for?”.

The scary thing is that everyone of them furnished an answer extremely quickly, which led has made me look at the majority of them in a slightly different light. Especially when the others asked them to justify why they had selected this particular individual – and they had answers!

Considering that nearly all of them do not have girlfriends, are convinced that if a female says “Hi” to them, that the woman in question must obviously want them made the above question rather perplexing to an ‘old mind’ like mine. It then struck me that as very few of them (namely those that answered the question rather quickly) had such success with the female sex they had decided to seriously consider spreading their net wider (so to speak) in order to (one day) have sex with someone other than Mrs Palmer and her four daughters.

When it was pointed out that I hadn’t actually supplied an answer, and that as I was part of the team should, I replied that I would turn gay for Salma Hayak or Michelle Pfeiffer. After explaining who these people were ( I hope that my previous comments about them had enough inference that they are not the brightest of bulbs); they finally caught on  that they were indeed of the female variety of our species and said that wasn’t a correct answer. My reply was that I would simply become a lesbian which is gay and therefore I had correctly answered their query. It took several of them a few minutes to actually comprehend my reply, to which one of them tried to retract his own initial answer that he would turn gay for Ben Stiller and change it to Katie Perry – this led to almost 15 minutes of derisive comments about how it was too late to change his mind, the size of his penis (how they knew the size of his penis is just another reason I look at them in a different light) and that if Katie Perry turned up at his door he wouldn’t know what to do anyway.

Is it just me, or is this really the type of topic that teenager males engage in as mental stimulation; if the answer is affirmative I must be getting really old!

1. People always get the government they deserve

2. Voting only encourages them (Oscar Wilde)

3. My favourite, from a local comedian; Elections are like police line up, except for the fact that in a police line up you know they’ve already robbed you.

I found myself confronted by a guy who looked like an inverted triangle, wearing a shirt that appeared two sizes too small for his upper body and looked like it was battling to escape. One of the first things he said (after telling us how much he charged!) was that we need to get in shape.

My reply? “I am in shape.” which gained a puzzled look from this new age Adonis.”Round is a shape.” which only gained a moment of stunned silence.

“You should treat your body as a temple.” He retorted using a different tact.

“I do treat my body as a temple!” I replied with mock sarcasm.”I treat it like a Greek Temple. Most of it may be past it’s glory days, but there are still bits worth visiting.”

His witty retort came in the form of a derisive snort, as he handed me a list of the exercise regime he intended we embark on. The good new is that apparently the end result of his training would enable us to fly through the fitness exam required to enter the S.A.S.

Considering I needed to sit down after simply reading the regime doesn’t bode well for when we actually have to start moving our bodies!

Within seconds of her comment came the question to which there is never a good answer – “Do you think I’ve put on wieght?”

From a male perspective there are only a few answers; none of which will placate the female.

• If we answer ‘yes’ we are immediately asked why we didn’t mention it before (probably for the same reason we don’t lick live light sockets on a regular basis).
• “No”; in which case the reply is, usually, “You don;t even notice when I have my hair done so I don’t know why I even asking you.”
• “I would love you no matter what you looked like” will only gain the response – “So you did notice I was putting on weight and didn’t say anything? Just because you don’t care about your appearance doesn’t mean I’ve given up on life!”

Any of the above responses are pretty futile. After all these years I’ve come to the conclusion that my partners ‘bad hair day’, weight increase, bad exercise regime is ultimately (somehow!) my fault.

Needless to say, starting tomorrow WE are apparently on a diet!

Anyway, I saw a tv article the other day on how the comedian Robin Williams upset Australia! After watching it, I couldn’t see the problem!

One comment he made (that had me LOL!) was that if Charles Darwin had landed in Australia he would have thrown all his theories on evolution out the window. Anyone who has spent time in Australia (outside the tourist areas) you could appreciate the comment! Having said that, there are many more ‘comments/ observations’ on Australian’s and I’d like to share a few below -

Australians never suffer from piles – namley because they’re all perfect arseholes.

Even the birds fly over the country upside down because it’s not worth shitting on.

My personal favorite was from one of our past Prime Ministers, who when his Australian counterpart complained about all the kiwis moving to Australia, retorted with “We don’t have a problem with that; it actually raises the IQ of both country’s.”

Thou shall never buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.

Rule 20

When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing.

I mean really, what do babies have to cry about? They have no financial concerns; no regrets about past mistakes, no deadlines to meet. Their every need is taken care of without having to move. They are fed, bathed, dressed without having to worry about what to prepare for dinner; will I use too much hot water and inconvenience everyone else in the household?Someone will select their clothing to ensure that they look their best without them having to make a single decision as to colour, style etc.. To top it all off, anyone that sees them will stop what they are doing and openly gush adoration at how beautiful they are. Even when they piss or crap their pants,  nothing derogatory is uttered; they are changed, cleaned and pampered – all from the comfort of their own bed. All of this will never reoccur in their lifetime to the same degree; well maybe the crapping and pissing in one’s bed might, but hopefully by then one doesn’t realise it!

Are they crying because they secretly know that this is as good as life is ever going to get ,and, that within a few short months the adoration of their personal slaves will begin to recede and they will be expected to begin performing mundane tasks, like feeding, themselves?

I have been told in the past that I can sometimes be a little immature (I’m a male so it was expected!); If being immature means I can be treated like a king, adored by all where ever I go, have unpaid servants dedicated to my every desire – then hell yes! Treat me like the baby I deserve to be!