What have babies got to cry about?

I heard the above comment made the other day and thought it needed expanding on (especially as I, for once, wasn’t the protagonist of such an observation; but intend to take full advantage of it!)

I mean really, what do babies have to cry about? They have no financial concerns; no regrets about past mistakes, no deadlines to meet. Their every need is taken care of without having to move. They are fed, bathed, dressed without having to worry about what to prepare for dinner; will I use too much hot water and inconvenience everyone else in the household?Someone will select their clothing to ensure that they look their best without them having to make a single decision as to colour, style etc.. To top it all off, anyone that sees them will stop what they are doing and openly gush adoration at how beautiful they are. Even when they piss or crap their pants,  nothing derogatory is uttered; they are changed, cleaned and pampered – all from the comfort of their own bed. All of this will never reoccur in their lifetime to the same degree; well maybe the crapping and pissing in one’s bed might, but hopefully by then one doesn’t realise it!

Are they crying because they secretly know that this is as good as life is ever going to get ,and, that within a few short months the adoration of their personal slaves will begin to recede and they will be expected to begin performing mundane tasks, like feeding, themselves?

I have been told in the past that I can sometimes be a little immature (I’m a male so it was expected!); If being immature means I can be treated like a king, adored by all where ever I go, have unpaid servants dedicated to my every desire – then hell yes! Treat me like the baby I deserve to be!

Babies

The introduction of a baby into any room appears to send even the most hardened woman into maternal instinct overdrive. It’s a wonderful sight to behold as intelligent women vie to hold the small bundle of joy, losing their grasp of the English language and replacing coherent sentences with “ooh’s, aaah’s” and “who’s a cutie-wootie- wittle-bundle of cuddly-wuddly?”

As far as a males reaction to the introduction of a tiny person into a similar situation is somewhat different. Next to the entry “Baby” in the male dictionary you find;

A small human being that has the ability to absorb all your money for at least the following fifteen years from introduction. In addition you will experience reduced freedom to follow such pursuits as sailing off around the world, or simply throwing your job in to backpack across Europe. You will also notice, in the small child’s first months that you have somehow decided that between a choice of wild monkey sex and sleeping; You will choose the sleep option. This indicates that children actually draw their energy by somehow transferring all of your vigor by means that cannot be explained.

Although males may appear to be nonchalant about these small beings, believe me that when a father holds his newborn in his arms for the first time, everything changes. Including himself. Prior to this event, a baby is just looked on as a mild distraction.

Hopefully, the above has given you an insight into our reactions over babies. Now when one of our colleagues baby is born you should no longer need to know the weight, sex, time of birth, name etc. Isn’t the fact that we remembered to tell you it was born enough information? If it ain’t ours, it ain’t important.